There is no doubt that having a happy marriage comes down to one main thing- picking the right person in the first place. Find your life balance in your marriage with your husband by following these 9 tips.
Of course, what does the right person mean? After all, when you’re 16 and rebellious, the right person might look like a motor-cycle rider, surfer boy, high-school drop-out, type guy but when you’re older anyone that rocks up to your door like that will have you muttering about men with Peter Pan complexes.
But because this isn’t a post about finding that person, I’ll stick with the following definition – that the right person is someone who at their core is a good person, who cares about nurturing and growing your relationship, and who reciprocates the effort that you put in to it.
However, even when you have found the right person, that doesn’t mean that every day is going to be sunshine and roses. When stress starts, our nearest and dearest are always the first ones to wear it. However I’ve found that these 9 key habits help maintain harmony and happiness in my home and act as a buffer during those more trying times.
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MUST-HAVE MARRIAGE HABIT 1: GIVE HIM THE BEST
When you read that title, your instincts may have been to think I was going to mention giving him our best selves rather than that argumentative, haggard, it’s 6 pm and I’m tired and hangry version. But here I’m actually talking about practicalities. Whether it’s the biggest piece of cake, the last piece of chocolate, or the only perfectly done pancake, I give my husband the best.
Now I have to admit that this was a lot easier to do when we met than now. In the flush of first love, everything is easy. Now sometimes I eye that last salt-n-vinegar chip in the bowl and think how good it would taste. But by consciously and intentionally choosing to put him first, I reinforce to myself all the time about how the success in our relationship comes from looking after each other. It also makes me feel good to do this for him.
Plus, as you may remember above, the right person reciprocates your efforts. Luckily, my husband also gives me the best…and I always get the last chip in the bowl So it’s a win-win situation- you feel good about yourself because you’re doing something nice, and when it’s his turn to do it to you, you can enjoy it too without guilt.
MUST-HAVE MARRIAGE HABIT 2: SAY THANK YOU
When your husband makes a perfect cup of coffee for you, cooks dinner, mows the lawn, makes appointments, whatever – then take the time to say thank you. Sometimes we don’t do this because we assume that by saying thank you we are somehow implying that it is our job to have done whatever that was, and they’ve simply helped us. But he’s not doing it for you, he’s doing it for you BOTH- the team that is YOU.
One of the things that can make us feel most dissatisfied is when we don’t feel appreciated, so get into the habit of expressing your gratitude. Like all things, your modelling of it will encourage the same behavior in him.
MUST-HAVE MARRIAGE HABIT 3: REMEMBER IT’S NOT A COMPETITION
Sometimes, without even thinking about it, we pitch ourselves against our husbands. They start to tell a story and we interrupt and make sure we tell what actually happened. They make the bed and we go redo it the “right” way. They do one thing, so we tell them the five things we’ve done.
From someone who likes to think they are often right, I admit this is something I struggle with. But acting in competition with your husband puts you against him when it needs to be you and him against the world. In addition, undermining your husband is emasculating and puts you in a position where you’re being more mother than lover. So remember the saying about not letting the truth get in the way of a good story. Leave what they do without “fixing” it. And trust that everyone is doing everything they can.
MUST-HAVE MARRIAGE HABIT 4: HAVE CLEAR EXPECTATIONS
Number 4 aside, a lot of stress, resentment and conflict can be simply avoided by making it clear who is responsible for what. For example, in our house in terms of housework, he takes care of all the yard and usually cleans up the kitchen, I cook, tidy the house, clean the bathrooms and vacuum.
However even though we have these clear expectations, we also support each other. If he is still doing housework, I won’t sit on the couch and chill. I’ll go do some laundry, or some other chore. We both clean up the kitchen together. It’s keeping that team focus at all times.
MUST-HAVE MARRIAGE HABIT : 5. APOLOGIZE
If you speak harshly or rudely, snap or criticize, or simply make a mistake (hey, we’ve all been there), take a deep breath and say sorry. When we feel bad, we often get defensive and try to rationalize why our poor behavior was justified, usually by making our spouse to blame. Know when you’re heading down this path and stop yourself before you go any further.
MUST-HAVE MARRIAGE HABIT 6: WHEN YOU FEEL FRUSTRATED, THINK ABOUT TWO SIDES OF THE SAME COIN
We tend to think of ourselves as having positive and negative traits, but in actuality, traits can have both good and bad sides. I am an organized person. When this is positively expressed, it helps our household run smoothly. It means that I always meet deadlines and manage most of my tasks well. When it’s negatively expressed, I can become micro-managing and hyper-critical if it’s not done my way (see point 3 above).
My husband is a really patient and loving person. I benefit from this all the time. This may also mean that we end up running late because he stopped getting ready for five minutes to rub the dog’s tummy.
I call this two sides of the same coin, and it works by thinking to yourself that when something is annoying you (e.g. us not leaving on time because of him cuddling the dog), that if it weren’t for that trait, you wouldn’t have those other positive benefits you cherish (such as patience and caring).
MUST-HAVE MARRIAGE HABIT 7: PRACTICE 100% ENTHUSIASTIC AGREEMENT
There are so many hours in a day, and yet those 24 hours can be filled with innumerable things. Our choice to say yes to one thing means we must say no to other things. For example, if your husband decides that he wants to take up golf and is going to play for five hours a day in the weekend, that’s five hours where he may not be able to spend time with the family, do his share of the chores, or any number of other things.
Additionally, a choice to spend money on a hobby means money that is no longer available for other things that might be important to the household in another way.
If one spouse does these things without the genuine agreement of the other person then it’s a recipe for resentment.
When we got married, my husband and I were determined that the decisions we made about time and money had to have the blessings of both of us. We call it 100% enthusiastic agreement. It has helped simplify our lives and also ensured that the decisions we are making are in line with our relationship values, which, as you can probably tell, are more important for us than our individual values.
MUST HAVE MARRIAGE HABIT FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE 8: REMEMBER THAT ONE DAY ONE OF YOU WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT THE OTHER
When I met my husband, I knew that he was different to the men I had known in the past. One day, I remember coming to the realization that we would never want to be apart from each other. That meant that one day, one of us was going to have to live without the other because the other one would have died (yes I do have an active imagination). Remembering that your time together is finite is a wonderful habit for putting all other things into perspective.
MUST HAVE MARRIAGE HABIT 9: NEVER SPEAK BADLY ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND
My final habit has less to do with what you do to each other than what you do with other people, and that’s not to speak badly about your husband. It can be easy to complain and moan, especially when you are under stress, but it does noone any good. You feel bad for making your husband look bad, and your words may also influence the relationship that he has with other people.
Bottom line: If you have an issue with your spouse, talk to him about it, not anyone else.
TO SUM UP MY MUST-HAVE HABITS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE:
Like I said at the beginning, these habits work because at our core my husband and I are good people who care for each other and make our relationship a priority. All your positive intentions and actions will mean nothing if you’re with someone who doesn’t have your best interests at heart. But if you’ve found the right one, then see how these habits can help make your good relationship into an even better one.